Nursery Rhymes for Our Times

Douglas Crockford

The nursery rhymes we teach our children are so archaic as to appear to be nonsense. The references to animals like sheep and pigs and the obsolete professions like pipers and kings fail to inform modern muchers and muchettes about the one thing they need in order to live full productive lives: technology.


   Jack be nimble
   Jack be quick
   Jack jump over
   The cable decoder

   Peter Peter pumpkin eater
   Had a wife and couldn't keep her
   He put her in a pumpkin shell
   And then he watched some television

   Murray had a big TV
   With colors bright as life
   And every time he turned it on
   He forgot about his wife.

   Are you beeping?  Are you beeping?
   Brother Jack?  Brother Jack?
   Get your pocket pager. Get your pocket pager.
   Call them back. Call them back.

   Peas porridge hot
   Peas porridge cold
   Peas porridge from the microwave oven

   Mary had a cool boombox
   The loudest in the town
   And everywhere that Mary went
   They said to turn it down

   Mister Cole has remote control
   And remote control has he
     He gets CNN
     He gets HBO
   And he gets his MTV

   Skipping through the dial
     All night from dusk to dawn
   Grazing four and eighty channels
     And still there's nothing on

   Hackery dackery duck
   The stupid mouse is stuck
     It can't pick
     And it can't click
   Hackery dackery duck

   It's time again to upgrade, upgrade, upgrade
   It's time again to upgrade, here comes the new OS
 
   It's time again to upgrade, upgrade, upgrade
   It's time again to upgrade, it always is a mess

   Stevie, turn the TV on
     And Zute will make it mute
   Fran'll change the channel
     Adolph will turn it off.

   Janey, Janey, quite complainy
     How does your website grow?
   With whistles, bells, and URLs
     And little GIFs all in a row.